Well, I missed Mass last weekend. I could give you the who, what, when, why, where and how, but that would likely lead to rationalization, some thinking I'm scrupulous, others thinking I'm trying to rationalize and justify my choice. But, really all that matters is I missed Mass and I went to confession and God has forgiven me, anyway, that's not what I'm intending to talk about today. No, what I'm intending to talk about is some of my thoughts while I was standing in line waiting for the priest to enter the confessional and begin hearing confessions.
See, a couple times each week, at lunch time, I will make the short walk up the street to attend daily Mass. And today, it worked out that I could make Mass, but, I knew that to receive Communion I would first need to receive absolution. So, I headed over to Church early.
Now this particular parish has two priests that randomly take turns hearing confession and saying Mass. And they begin hearing confessions 20 minutes before Mass. Now, one of the priests can easily hear 10 confessions in that time, while the other, on a good day he will might be able to hear three.
So, when I arrived at Church 35 minutes before Mass there was already a line of people there for confession. I was number eight in line. As I'm standing there doing an examination of conscious, praying, and reflecting on how I want to grow in Holiness and open myself up to His mercy, I find myself thinking, "I sure hope that Father Fast Confession is hearing confessions today and not Father Slow Confession."
Realizing that my thoughts had wandered away from my prayer and that this was the focus of my thinking, I asked myself, "Why?"
I mean, we've all had similar thoughts before right? Maybe thinking one priest is more severe, or his penances are harder, or a particular priest tends to offer spiritual advice that really meshes with you better than another, or you share something with a priest that makes it easier for you to understand one another and for you to gain more from confession with that priest than another. We all have those sorts of thoughts right? And, I suppose some reasons we might have for having one priest hear a confession over another are good and some are not so good, though really, just having a priest in persona Christi is far more than I know I deserve...
Anyway, I was asking myself why I was thinking this today. I mean I like Father S.C. He is frequently quite helpful in my spiritual growth. Though, admittedly the length he goes to some days can be trying... But, why did I want Father F.C. today?
As I examined this I realized, I had a deep yearning to join with Christ on this day. And, I desperately wanted to please Him, to be with Him, to not be separated from Him. I'm not sure I can adequately express the feeling I had, because the way the words are coming out I'm sure it sounds like I was desiring or wanting Christ for me. But that's not it. It was more like I felt His desire to be with me and I wanted to serve Him, please Him, be there for Him. And I knew that without absolution I would be unable to be there for Him.
What an amazing thing to feel and recognize!
