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And odds are, if you are a Catholic, you have heard a priest talk about how excited and happy we should be when we step forward to receive the Eucharist.
Or you've heard a speaker discuss how we should be rushing to receive communion and not need Church doctrine or precepts to compel us to receive. You've probably read or heard various spins on that theme, that being the actual body, blood, soul and divinity of Christ we should be flocking to Communion more readily than we line up to buy the latest iGadget.
And, then there are the non-Catholics that look at what we proclaim and how we respond and they see the apathetic or reluctant response of Catholics to the Eucharist as proof that it is not what we claim it to be. They see the human response as an indictment on this mysterious Truth.
And, being totally honest, I must admit that my draw to the Eucharist has and is not always what I reasonably think it should be. When I hear Father Larry Richards challenge Catholic men to be more excited to receive, I look at myself and see a less enthusiastic response than seems appropriate given my belief. When I read Josemaria Escriva words, "this is Happiness I am giving you," I can't help but think about the times I am less than ecstatic to be receiving Communion. I fully believe the Eucharist is what the Church teaches it to be. John 6 is crystal clear teaching in my mind, the Last Supper accounts instituting the Eucharist are unquestionable in my mind, 1 Corinthians 10 and 1 Corinthians 11 leave no room for debate in my mind. The Eucharist is Jesus Christ.
But, my response and the response of others has always troubled me. When I hear one of the many priests or speakers I have heard on the matter remind us of how we should be responding, what we are really receiving, it has nagged at my conscience. Why is the response, so frequently lukewarm? Why are there so many Catholics that have walked away from Jesus' Real Presence?
But, the other day, I found an answer that satisfied me.
Like so many, I struggle with temptation. I've got a particular sin that I am addicted to and constantly battle to avoid. And, I fail. So, I frequently go to Confession to receive absolution, promising to sin no more, knowing that it's a promise I am incapable of keeping. With the help of God, with deep abiding faith, yes I can keep that promise. But, I'm weak and slow witted and I lack confidence in my ability to not succumb again... And one recent week was particularly bad. I found myself in the confessional three times before the end of the day on Wednesday... For the same thing every single time. (And two days later I made my fourth visit of the week, but...) So, I come out of the Confessional on Wednesday and take my place in a pew to do my penance. And then prepare myself for Mass. As I'm preparing for Mass, I'm angry at my lack of faith that causes me to fall so easily and often to a temptation that at that moment, as in many others, I find revolting and shameful. I really hate that I can be "that guy" and allow temptation and the lies of Satan to lead me to sin again and again and again.
And, in this state of mind I find myself wondering why I am staying here for Mass. I don't deserve to be in God's presence, let alone touch Him. I know He's forgiven me. But, I'm still ashamed of who I am, what I have done, how ungrateful and disobedient I can be. I see myself, sinner, and can't fathom why God would even allow me to be near Him. I actually got up and left the Church that day. I didn't stay for Mass.
Later in the day, driving home I thought about that decision I made. I reflected on why I would walk away from the Mass like that. As a personal matter of reflection, I recognized that the ~365 instances of God telling us to not be afraid, His coming to us as infant in a poor family, His coming and suffering so we could see just how much He loves us, etc... they all point to what I experienced there, fear of being in the presence of perfection, fear of experiencing infinite love and omnipotence and mercy. Being but a creature in the presence of my Creator, that alone is an intimidating prospect. Knowing just how unworthy and unappreciative I can be of the immeasurable and entirely undeserved gifts He gives me is overwhelmingly intimidating. Of course, He does want me to come to Him, not simply despite my failings, but because of them. Because going to Him is the only way I can be healed. But, fear, self-loathing, unworthiness... they have pretty powerful effects on weak creatures like us.
And that's when it dawned on me. Why do so many Catholics not show the joy, happiness, and excitement to receive that so many think should only be natural? Because recognizing that it really and truly is God creates that conflict in our minds. It is God, we want nothing more than to be in His presence. But it IS God, the omnipotent Creator, our natural response to infinite power is fear. Our response to overwhelming, infinite love is to be scared. And, in God's presence, our recognition of our short-comings is magnified.
That so many overcome their fear, their feelings of unworthiness is testimony to their faith. That so many have irrational, illogical, or inexplicable reasons for leaving the Church, skipping Mass, or avoiding the Eucharist is testimony to the reality of Christ's presence. That when we do approach, many of us have a countenance that is not one of pure joy is readily accounted for by the conflicting human emotions of fear, shame, desire, love, and a deep reverence for being in the presence of the most powerful being in or out of Creation.
